When I got pregnant the first time and I was told I was having a boy, I was not sure what to think. A boy? Well, they have penises and play in the dirt. I simply can’t have that. I can’t be wiping poop off a penis. That just wasn’t in my master plan. But it was in my plan and it happened every time I got pregnant. So, now I live in a house full of boys and if I was to have a girl, I wouldn’t even know what to do. As a matter of fact, if I had to pick the sex of my next baby (and there will be no more babies), I’d pick another boy. They were nothing like I imagined them to be, they are incredibly attentive, loving and sweet. But don’t get me wrong, they are every bit as gross as I ever imagined.
Raising boys has been an amazing experience. I was always intimidated by little boys, even as an adult. I can’t even explain why. I didn’t think they were sensitive or loving and I certainly got that wrong. I just wasn’t raised around boys so I had no idea what they were like. Boys adore their mothers and I couldn’t ask for more love and affection than I get from my all my children. My fourteen year old will still hold my hand in public! But let me tell you, I see and hear things that I never thought I would and even worse, I have to deal with the unfortunate situations that only boys could create.
I’m learning though. This week I was educated by my husband on how to spot a pre-clogged toilet. One of my boys creates a catcher’s mitt out of toilet paper and clogs every toilet in the house, repeatedly. I swear he does he is everyday. The next person to hit that bathroom is a major victim and it sucks when you flush and realize you’ve just crapped in a pre-clogged toilet. Now, you will be plunging your crap and someone else’s crap for an indefinite period of time. Now that I can spot the pre-clogged toilets, I am much better at avoiding them and it’s someone else’s problem in the house.
“Mommy? Why is the bathroom floor wet”? Hmmm. I don’t really want to know. I do my best to ignore a lot of questions. Of course, there are endless discussions with one of the boys about what to do when toilet paper is stuck to his butt. I keep buying different toilet paper hoping the butt sticking issue and clogging problems will go away but so far, no dice. I have yet to understand why we continue to purchase white underwear either. I recently found a pair upstairs and was astonished at the ratio of brown to white. I asked my son how what I saw could possibly have happened. He said he wiped his butt with his underwear because he didn’t feel like going and getting toilet paper. Then he tossed them on the floor for me to find later (thanks). I think it was just last week that our 5 year old was perplexed at how mud got into his pants. “Well, sweetie, that’s not mud.” I just can’t understand why boys have such major bathroom issues. Even the public male bathrooms are devastating. And I smell a lot of farts but I was informed there was a recent study that smelling farts can be beneficial to your health. I thought I was going to live to be a 110 and then NBC News came out and crushed all my hope with this article debunking the benefits of smelling farts.
A few more things I find myself saying without second thought? “Please don’t sit on my sofa naked.” “Put on your pants.” “Put on your pants when you come to the dinner table.” “Is that a booger on my wall?” “Please don’t use my shower curtain as toilet paper.” “Why is there shit all over your bedspread?” This is just the norm for me now in a house full of boys. No wonder I want to play with my hair and makeup! After plunging a toilet for 20 minutes and cleaning snot off my sofa and boogers off the walls, I feel a need to be pretty and escape from it all.